From the pages of the Central Iowa Tattler: All the news that fits.
DesMoines, 3/31/2017 -- "The Fashion Forward has Fallen!!!! – Local business woman, owner of The Sheldon-Munn and reknowned fashion maven Richetta Massaro has been seen in public sporting a new look. Not the latest from Prada or Choo, but as reported from several witnesses, Massaro was seen in public in yoga pants, and a Princeton athletic department Sweatshirt! Attempts to reach Massaro went unanswered. Is this a fall in fortune, or a lack of laundry? Only time will tell.
Nevada IA, 3/26/2017 -- "Bonnie & Clyde" Vanish! -- After a raucus two weeks of heist after heist, the unknown pair known by word of mouth as a latter-day Bonnie and Clyde vanished after their latest hold-up, at the All-Night Liquor Sales in Nevada. Unnamed sources from both county and state police tell us that the duo, responsible for the bank blast in Huxley Friday night, stole a series of older and older vehicles on their robbery rally, ending with an abandoned classic Packard in a farmer's field. While both vast sums of stolen loot and firepower were discovered in the car, no trace of the criminal couple themselves was found. Did they escape on foot? Or given their methods, did they escape into the past from whence they seemed to appear? Only they could say for certain.
Des Moines IA, 3/19/2017 -- Murder Spree Continues; Authorities Deny All -- Over the course of the past three weeks, a madman has been at work, slaying with abandon. Madrid, Granger, Polk City, Ankeny, Perry, and Urbandale have all seen these grim tidings, with over a dozen dead -- and that not including the previous massacre at the Hindu Temple Cultural Center of Iowa.
Worse, those charged with protecting us, the oft-lauded boys in blue, refuse to provide details of this slow-motion massacre. Only via unnamed sources were we at the Tattler able to confirm that there is a common methodology at work, tying these crimes together, but even those sources were unwilling to tell us the particulars of that common thread.
Are these stabbings? Shootings? Or something even darker? With the police refusing comment, we can only ask you, dear reader, to keep a wary eye upon your neighbors; one just may be a maniac!
Ames IA, 3/18/2017 -- Paddy's Night Revenge! -- Two local hoodlums were found unconscious amid the tangle of trees shadowing the infamous Lake Laverne late last night. Police being their tight-lipped selves of late, official reports were minimal. However, a witness -- their would-be victim -- declared that a man with shining eyes had come to her rescue mere moments before the pair could rape her. This man, our unnamed witness states, shocked both of her assailants to unconciousness.
While a taser would seem the obvious tool of justice in this case, our informant swears that the hero gripped the pair of punks by their shoulders, and that an eerie green light sparked as he did so. He then departed as mysteriously as he arrived, his good work completed.
Perhaps St. Patrick is chasing off more than snakes now!
Madrid IA, 2/26/2017 -- Massacre at Temple: Man or Animal? -- What was originally believed to have been a likely hate crime at the Hindu Temple Cultural Center of Iowa, high on the bluffs over the Des Moines River, may have been an animal attack. Two sherrif's deputies were injured as a mountain lion fled the ornate temple while they were securing the ghastly scene of fourteen dead members of the temple, four of which were children under the age of twelve.
Officers had responded just after 8:30 p.m. to reports of bodies sighted outside the rural temple. Victims of a vicious attack were found both in the parking lot and inside the temple complex itself. Inital reports from officers on the scene hinted at a possible terroristic attack and/or hate crime, but with the later attack on officers by the large cat, this is now in question.
Was the temple housing large cats for some unknown reason? Was ths the work of a terrorist organization? Investigators continue to seek answers to these and other questions.